Statement of Faith: Providing a few last words…and ceremonies for the start of married life

I've recently found myself back writing and conducting funeral services, after a few months' necessary break for health reasons. And after some reflection, I'm available once more to legally marry folk.

I know there has been  a little confusion about what I do, why I do it and what my beliefs are. This has resulted in some religious organisations- not all - being unwilling to let me conduct ceremonies in their buildings. This is completely understandable and I respect their decision. 

Weddings

Thanks so much to the couples who have trusted me and the wondrous Celebrate People with the beginning of their marital adventures! And to the Shetland Registrar, who has been really helpful. 

It's my association with  Celebrate People that means I can carry out legal marriage ceremonies anywhere in Scotland. Get in touch if you feel I can help. Sometimes the local Registrar is unable to officiate at more rural or remote venues. I'm now exploring ideas for what I’m calling the St Magnus Viking wedding ceremony - a proper, Damascus steel sword,  engraved with the couple’s names. Symbolically sheathed as a sign of peace and combined with handfasting using a scarf embroidered with doves, the sign of St Magnus; the ritual drinking of mead or beer...and of course the exchange of rings. This a ceremony steeped in both Christian and Norse traditions.

Past funerals

In the decade since I began working with the excellent Shetland undertakers Goudies, the funeral services I've led  have ranged from fully Christian, with hymns and prayers, to entirely secular, with forays into Buddhism and various tinges of godliness and/or unbelief along the way. 

I wrote and published a book during the Covid pandemic called It Tolls for Thee: Celebrating and Reclaiming the End of Life that provides resources to help prepare for death and also for the bereaved to conduct or plan a funeral service without priestly or ministerial intervention. It's widely available and can be purchased on Amazon.

Enabling and reflecting

My aim when working with a family on a loved one's funeral is always to fulfil the wishes of the folk who've lost someone. The only agenda I bring is to help and comfort, and I want to reflect the beliefs of the bereaved. The more involvement of family members and friends in actually conducting a service, the better, I believe. I’m happy to enable that, but completely understand if folk want simply to have someone else perform the public aspects of a last farewell.

Faithful and faithless without fear

My own background is essentially Christian and I have extensive experience in conducting church services, as well as in writing and broadcasting. I am rooted in Christian values and language, and these days I am very comfortable expressing that in public. I've come to the conclusion that Humanism with a capital 'H' is as much a religion as fundamentalist Christianity, and can be every bit as hardline and divisive. I’m not interested in that kind of aggressive, confrontational faith, be it godly or ungodly. I should say that my delightful associates at our ‘spiritual humanism’ group Celebrate People were and are lovely, inclusive and open to religious content in services. 

Funeral services that make no mention whatsoever of God and reflect the atheism or agnosticism of the person who has died, and his or her family, are as fine with me as those that contain prayers or elements of the Roman Catholic liturgy or the Apostles’ Creed. Sometimes a psalm is essential. Sometimes you need some AC/DC or The Clash. For me it's about providing words and music that mark the end of life in a dignified, honouring, reassuring and memorable way. If that means poetry by John Cooper Clarke or Emily Dickinson; from the Psalms, Daniel O'Donnell or something less lyriucal from Das Kapital, that’s perfectly all right.

The family will read exactly what will be said by me and any other participants in advance. There are, or should be, no surprises.

Money and food

As for fees, I am aware that most 'Humanist' or secular celebrants do charge a set amount for conducting a funeral, often plus expenses, and collected via the funeral director. I have done that in the past (for a time I was the only person in Shetland conducting non-religious funerals and was essentially employed by Goudies, who provided clothing and transport). I should say that Church of Scotland ministers and approved Kirk celebrants do not charge at all, though building and musician hire is expected. There is no fee for Roman Catholic priests though a donation to the church is traditional.

I've for the past few years asked only for donations to either the Food Bank or the RNLI. The generosity of families has been humbling. But I now need to pay monthly fees to Celebrate People which go towards insurance and replacing me in the event of illness ( as in fact happened last year). And then there’s travel costs and the occasional white shirt. So in future I will be charging, via Goudies, a flat fee for funerals. It’s roughly three days’ work for every service. 

Weddings are different, due to the time that needs to be devoted to planning and preparation. There are statutory fees payable to the Registrar and Celebrate People handle legal aspects, insurance and celebrant stand-ins in case of illness. So there is a fairly substantial fee for weddings.

In cases of obvious need, of course I’ll waive any payment.

An old friend of mine, a Kirk minister, once said her job was ‘to walk the dying to the door’. I suppose I see my role in funerals as telling the story of the departed, providing words of comfort, hope… and realism. As we walk with a loved one to their grave, and leave them there. And we walk back to life. We can go on. We will go on.

tommorton.live

thebeatcroft@gmail.com

It Tolls for Thee: book now published - but lots of information can be freely accessed here

A video introduction ( 2 minutes) to my new book, which  contains a lot of the practical material in Telling the Story With Love, but also tells my own story: how a close brush with my own death led to work conducting funerals, how the aftermath of death is dealt with in different cultures and countries,  some amazing stories from and about undertakers. The ultimate rock'n'roll funeral service. And more.

But most of all, this is a book about love.

Saying goodbye in difficult times

This is a work in progress, produced quickly and intended only to help you organise remembrance for your loved one in these increasingly desperate times. Or maybe you want to think about your own funeral, and how it should be conducted. It's occasionally clumsy and full of gaps which I would appreciate any help in filling. Use anything you find useful. Check the pages menu above - the 'News' page is updated frequently and so is 'Funeral Stories'.

As I write this, in March 2021, more than a year after I first posted on these pages, Scotland, the UK, the USA and Europe are all looking back at 12 months of Corona Virus infection and the consequent COVID-19 illness. And looking forward, some countries with more confidence and hope than others.

Pubs, cafés, restaurants...they are all still subject to severe restriction. Supermarkets are no longer under siege as they were a year ago, vaccination, particularly in the UK, has brought real hope. Infection rates are still high, but falling. Treatment has improved and the death rate is lower. Mistakes have been learned from, though some are still being made. But we worry, all of us, and despair, some of us. We grieve. My daughter is working in a front-line COVID Intensive Care Unit. My wife,  two sons and two daughters in law are all in health care roles. Mask wearing has gone from a sign of paranoid daftness to legally-enforced universality. People we know have died.

We face, all of us, a major increase in the death of our loved ones, and continuing  restrictions on public funeral services of every kind.

(Here's an intensely moving video showing how one County Kerry community, early in the pandemic, paid tribute to one of its loved ones in the midst of the COVID-19 restrictions
https://www.rte.ie/news/coronavirus/2020/0320/1124388-funeral-kerry/ )

Ministers, priests and secular celebrants are still striving to cope. Some have been overwhelmed or unable to attend to the needs of the bereaved.  Funeral directors continue to face very difficult times and the demands on crematoria and cemeteries remain immense. 

Measures are in place to protect undertakers, family and health staff from infection.

In this environment, how do we say goodbye to those we love? 

(One important thing: if someone you love dies, can you access their 'digital life'? Do you have the passwords and log in details not just for social media, but bank accounts, business websites and everything else? Lots of useful info on this at the Digital Legacy Association site: https://digitallegacyassociation.org )

Even as regulations are relaxed, we may need, as we have done for the past 12 months, to face the following

- A traditional public gathering for remembrance or celebration is now limited or simply impossible
- Viewing and dressing the body yourself is very difficult
- Disease control could mean the type of disposal and timing could be taken out of the family's hands
- No minister, priest or celebrant might be available in person to officiate
- Sheer numbers of the dead could mean delay
- How we grieve our departed loved ones will be be drastically affected
- The bereaved will in some instances have to organise their own services, celebrations and memorials
- Online streaming services such as Zoom, YouTube, Facebook Live and Periscope will be used far more frequently for memorial and mourning purposes. So will static webpages and social media generally.

Crematoria and funeral directors are able to offer 'remote funerals' where you simply stay at home and watch and listen on your phone or computer to a minister, priest or celebrant speaking to an almost empty room. Most crematoria are equipped with cameras and webcasting equipment. There is usually a charge for this service.

But demand on facilities and personnel could mean that such services become unavailable. Alternatives have to be explored.

For the last four years I have conducted  funeral services for folk in Shetland and Scotland. Most of these have been for folk who specifically asked that their memorial event should contain no religious element, but I have been more than willing to meet requests involving prayer, hymn singing and scriptural readings from the Christian and other traditions.

I thought it might be useful to freely supply online some of the material I've used, along with useful links. Preparation and planning ahead are essential. You do not provoke death by talking about it, and there is an urgent need to accept what is, after all inevitable for all of us. The conditions mean that for some, it will happen in the immediate future.

I will continue to update this site as when I can, but I will gladly add any links and information as they become available.

Please note: A good funeral director is your best friend and guide in the terrible business of dealing with death. We are fortunate in the Shetland Isles to have the excellent Goudies Ltd on call.

These 'Telling the Story with Love' pages are for folk who want to conduct services for their loved ones themselves. In loss we need to remember. We need to tell the story of our loved one's life. We need to bear witness. I hope that in some way, this may help you do that.

Navigate using the PAGES tabs at the top of the blog to the information you require. 

You can contact me by email here . If I can help, I will.